"Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it." - Gautama Buddha

Unveiled: My Journey to 5 Years of Sobriety and Self-Discovery

The day I came alive…I don’t remember the exact day. I think I passed it actually...at the same time it is worth remembering. 5 years ago was the day I started my recovery from alcohol. Sometimes I still feel like I cheated. I was forced to quit. Looking back, I see God/the universe whatever was just like okay enough is enough. You have shit to do and if you won’t stop drinking yourself, I’m stepping in. I had an idea it was coming, just a feeling… then one day abruptly my crutch was ripped from me.

I didn’t know what I was going to do, I didn’t know how I was going to face the world every day with the pain, the anxiety. I had the knowledge and skills to deal with it. I was equipped, at the same time, I was lost. You hear stories about how people get sober and it’s like a veil is lifted… life is beautiful...a beauty they had never known. It wasn’t like that for me and it actually made me angry when people told those stories.

I never felt worse. My anxiety turned into full blown panic disorder. It was like I was trapped inside myself… but this time I had no escape. Nothing took this away. Xans just made me tired and depressed which just wasn’t my thing. I wanted to live. So I took myself to the psychiatrist and got the first anxiety med that worked for me.

I truly had no idea people walked around living like this. I thought I just couldn’t control myself. It changed everything. I could finally LIVE. I started to embrace my sobriety, but honestly wasn’t fully convinced it would last. I negotiated with myself… maybe after the first baby I’ll try to be a normal drinker, maybe after the second. Now that my anxiety is treated, I won't crave the escape.

It wasn’t until I found a community of sober women on Facebook, probably my 3rd year in, that I realized I wasn’t alone and it wasn’t a flaw, it was a disease. Something once started, that became uncontrollable… I was finally able to surrender to a life without alcohol and with that came peace.

I was still kind of like okay this is fine but struggled. It wasn’t until one day researching ADHD for my husband, that I realized I had ADHD… never in a thousand years did I ever consider ADHD. I started meds and I feel like that was when the veil actually lifted. This is what people talk about when they talk about how wonderful it is to be sober. The beauty you find in life, the love you can give when you are comfortable in your own skin and able to be present. And I thought I was able to be present from all my years with DBT, not like this.

The pain is still there sometimes still, but there is hope. It comes and goes faster. The void is gone. I’m filling up with my life’s purposes. God/the universe stepped in 5 years ago and said you will never be what you’re needed to be if you can’t feel, if you hide from the world you were put here to experience. So here I am 5 years later. ALIVE and incredibly grateful for every struggle that I’ve endured. I would have never been able to see the beauty without experiencing the pain. Happy 5 years of recovery to me.

P.S. I celebrated my 5 years of sobriety (October 21st) right before the passing of Matthew Perry. One of his quotes really struck me. He said, "The thing that always makes me cry...is that it's not fair. It's not fair that I had to go through this disease while the other five didn't." Wow. I really know that feeling. Learning how to deal with what I considered "fair" was and still is one of the toughest lessons to grasp. I thought so many times, why can't I drink like others? Why am I so emotional? Why is every little thing so painful but nobody else is bothered? Why do I have all of these issues and others are fine? Why why why??? It's just not fair!

We've made up "fair and unfair" to cope with the lessons we are meant to learn in our lives. No matter what we believe to be fair, there will be a time when we will have to push past it. If we wait for things to be fair, we will wait an eternity and miss the lessons hidden in our struggles. What I hope is that when the time comes and we look back, our struggles are looked upon as gifts that make our light shine that much brighter. I know personally, I feel the light strengthen each and every day I get to share my story of hope with you.

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