"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back." -Albert Camus

At 34, an online quiz posed a stark question before me, one that had lurked in my emotional corridors for years: What is wrong with me? The quiz was “Do I have Borderline Personality Disorder?” I’ll take it.  Why not?  It whispered of a possibility, something that seemed to articulate my decades of emotional rollercoasters, and volatile relationships. It was in this pivotal moment, a cornerstone of comprehension was laid – I wasn’t inherently flawed, but perhaps there was a name, an entity to which I could assign my years of emotional turbulence.  The name was Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Dive into Understanding: Unveiling BPD

Knowledge became a beacon, illuminating shadows of misunderstood emotions and actions. I submerged myself into understanding BPD, absorbing every article, podcast, and story that spoke of it. Through the weave of information, threads of recognition intertwined with my own experiences, culminating in a tapestry that vividly portrayed my internal world. It depicted the raw, untamed emotional swings, from feeling invincible to wrestling with haunting voids, all tied together by an undertow of self-loathing and despair.  I wasn’t alone anymore.  There were others out there like me, that felt like me.  There was recovery.

Discovering DBT: A Lifesaver Amidst the Emotional Tempest

Through my research, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) emerged as a lighthouse amidst this storm. Unlike medications or generalized therapy, DBT promised something alluring: Control. It spoke not of dampening or eradicating emotions, but of understanding and navigating them with a skilled, mindful approach. It wasn’t a cure, but a method, a way of reconfiguring the mind’s response to emotional stimuli and relational interactions.  It helped find a balance between the emotional and the rational minds so that wise mind could emerge, and I could find it.

Through four critical modules – Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness – DBT extended a hand, pulling me from a sea of chaotic emotional depths towards a shore of stability and understanding.  Mindfulness, being the core of the model, allowed me to just be.  I stopped living only in the past or the future.  Disconnecting from them and putting myself in the moment was critical to changing my view.  One of my favorite thought leaders, Dr. Wayne Dyer, said this, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Journey into DBT: Embracing a New Emotional Language

It began with quiet observation and absorption in the first DBT group sessions, asking a lot of questions.  These concepts, although seemingly simple, were foreign territory for me.  Was every thought I had a trick?  Why did my brain do this to me? Observation and asking questions gradually blossomed into active implementation. The process was far from linear – a reflection of real life, where progression and regression intertwine. One day I just wasn’t the same anymore.  I didn’t think the same way and guess what?  I noticed when others thought the way I used to think.  Two revelations became pivots in my journey:

1. Emotions Aren’t Facts: While valid and real in the moment, emotions are not absolute truths. They can mislead, encouraging actions that may not align with reality or our best interests.  For example, say you have a dream where your spouse cheats on you.  You wake up and the emotions are surely real.  They are valid emotions considering what you’ve just “been through” in your dream.  At the same time, that’s all it was, just a dream.  The emotions you have towards your spouse in that moment are not justified.  They don’t deserve the verbal thrashing you want to throw at them.  Many emotions we experience in life are the same.  They originate from thoughts or feelings that have no basis in reality.

2. Judgements Fuel Emotion: Recognizing and releasing judgments became crucial, enabling a choice in emotional engagement rather than an involuntary plummet into emotional depths.  For example, you meet someone new, and their name is Sally.  Well, you had a bad experience with another Sally in the past.  Maybe she was a disrespectful former manager?  Right away, you find yourself having judgements about “New Sally.”  She is probably disrespectful too…I don’t like her.  At this point, you can recognize these judgements and decide, am I going to entertain these judgements that have absolutely no facts to back them up, or am I going to engage with Sally in an open, non-judgmental way and possibly make a new friend?  See how the choice becomes yours?

The Recovery Spectrum: From Emotional Chaos to Mindful Navigation

Recovery did not symbolize a destination but an evolving journey, a persistent practice of DBT principles, even amidst relapse, setbacks, and struggles. It’s a reconfiguration of emotional responses, a mastery over the tides of emotional upheavals, and while the internal seas are not always calm, they become navigable.

Now, nine years later, with the joy of two small children permeating through my days, the reality of my journey manifests daily. Emotions still ebb and flow, I use medications to keep them from being as intense, but now they don’t drown me. My relationship with them has transformed, offering not just survival, but a life brimming with vibrant, controlled colors rather than a chaotic splattering of emotional hues.

A Message of Hope: You Are Not Alone

To anyone sailing through the tumultuous seas of BPD, understand this: recovery, though multifaceted and non-linear, is tangible. DBT offers not a cure, but a means, a method through which the emotional and relational tempest can be navigated with a learned, intentional approach.

You are worthy of not just surviving, but thriving, of constructing a life that, in all its peaks and valleys, is robust, meaningful, and beautifully yours. The journey may be marked by waves of challenges and victories, but with each mindful navigation through them, the chaotic seas gradually become a navigable ocean, allowing passage towards a horizon where life is not just endured, but richly lived.

If you found value in this article, please click HERE for the other blog posts by Gwen. Check out The Ultimate Holiday Survival Guide for working Moms! Don't miss a post! Subscribe TODAY!

©2023 Wise Mind Maker, LLC, All Rights Reserved